1. How do you feel about fanart?

I largely like it, and actively seek it out. It brightens my mood seeing cute art of myself and my companions, especially A-ya, so I keep a collection of it to look at. I do, however, try to avoid fanart that depicts our deaths, or variations on the scene where I killed A-ya.

2. How do you feel about fanfiction?

I feel similarly to the fanart question. I like seeing the scenarios that people write, especially if they’re slice-of-life in a universe where the Demise Game never happened. But I don’t like being reminded of the events of the Game, so I’m a little picky with what I read.

3. What does the fandom usually get right?

Well, they understand the depth of my attachment to A-ya, for the most part. Given that it was one of my core traits shown in the media, that makes sense.

4. What does the fandom usually get wrong?

There have been some depictions of me that I have read that imply that I would lose control of myself in regards to A-ya. In certain ways. I am not particularly sure how they got that from my character, considering I tried so hard to maintain the status quo with him at all costs. I cannot see myself doing something so rash as to endanger everything I had worked for for over a decade just because of some slip of control.

5. What do you miss about your world?

Considering the next question, I’ll just focus on physical aspects right now. I have been in a strong shift, and my current room feels foreign to me. It would be comforting to have it look like it used to. However, I am trying my utmost to be different than how I was in my world, considering how unhealthy much of my behavior and thought processes were, so I feel that emulating my room would be a bad idea, unfortunately.

Also, I miss feeling safe walking around in my neighborhood. Currently, I am not very physically strong, nor tall. I feel very vulnerable when out and about on my own. This is very different from the confidence with which I navigated my town back then. I miss knowing that A-ya’s house was right next door, and that if needed, I could go to him any time. In this shift, I feel like I should be able to do that, but I do understand that this is impossible.

6. Who are you missing right now?

The only answer to this can really be A-ya, can’t it? Of course I miss him. My whole life revolved around him back then. Knowing things will never be the same again makes my chest twist. However, it is also for the better that we never meet again. I am frightened by the concept of making him uncomfortable, so really, I try to avoid others who are kin with him.

As for the rest of the club... Well, I’m sorry, really. It was pleasant to gather together, but I was really there to watch over A-ya. While I’d love to speak with anyone from Shuuen again, I can’t say I feel a strong pull towards anyone except A-ya.

7. Is there anyone you hope to never see again?

Not really. I’d be open to speaking to anyone from Shuuen, I think, my reservations about speaking with A-ya again aside.

8. How canon-divergent vs. canon-compliant are you?

I’m pretty sure that I’m largely canon-compliant. I am from the first timeline that is shown in the media, where I kill A-ya and have the Mearry-san urban legend. However, my memories of the events of my canon are extremely blurry. Amusingly, this in and of itself makes sense, since in canon, after the events of the night of the red moon, I suppressed my own memories... I remember some things, but most of my memories from this world are just feelings or sensations rather than actual images or events.

I think the most possibly canon-divergent thing would be the feelings towards flowers and gardening I keep having... This was not something touched on in canon at all, hence my confusion towards their existence.

9. What were your gender and orientation in your timeline; was your identity canon?

I was a gay guy. The guy part is canon. The gay part... Well, you could argue that it’s canon. And the fandom would look at you saying it’s canon and agree with you. But if we’re talking about actual stated text in canon, then no, it wasn’t canon that I was gay. But it wasn’t subtle either.

10. What helps you feel closer to your source (in a positive way)?

Probably doing archival work, sometimes translation, and wiki work. Doing wiki work calms me, and I enjoy working on getting more information on pages. I tried to flesh out A-ya’s page recently so that it actually reflected him, with canon sources. I know I am biased, but I did try my best to support what I was saying.

I say “sometimes” translation because it can also evoke negative feelings. Given my mentions of killing A-ya... Our story is not a happy one. Sometimes it brings me feelings of despair. Thus, I have to be careful with what I spend my time on when it comes to working with this canon.

11. Do you use your name from your source?

Technically, yes. As in, it would make me happy if people called me C-ta. It’s happened in the past, but it isn’t particularly common. But if the question is asking about it being a primary name, then no, most people know me by another name.

12. How do you feel about doubles?

It’s funny, because I’m normally bad with doubles, but I realized that I don’t mind it that much when it comes to C-tas. This is because we understand each other. Being C-ta comes with some unpleasant patterns of thought and feelings that we struggle to work through, and when there are multiple of us together, we understand what the others are going through without judgment. Also, we can all talk about A-ya together. It’s a rather lovely arrangement considering I don’t particularly want to actually find A-ya again, for both of our sakes.

That said, I do still feel uneasy or awkward when I randomly come across others who are C-ta ‘in the wild’. But I am fine with the C-tas who are in the C-ta support group with me. So maybe I just need to be used to them?

13. Is your fiction-based identity spiritual, psychological, or something else?

Abstaining from any kind of origin talk at the moment. I don’t think I can ever know, for sure, why I’m like this; I just know that I am like this. That’s what’s more important to me.

14. What’s the biggest difference between you and your canon self?

Our sociability. In that world, I found it easy to plaster a mask on my face and chatter with people who didn’t matter to me for hours, all so I could keep myself and A-ya safe by putting myself in a favorable social position. Now? I find it quite difficult to be around people. I am quite timid and low energy, and I struggle to speak with others at great length. Amusingly, I’d say I’m a lot more similar to how A-ya was back then, almost like he wanted me to understand how it was like to be him, in this world.

It’s kind of weird sometimes, because in strong shifts, it feels like I still am this way. Confident, self-assured, walking with a straight back, chatting amiably to others. Yet, the jittery feeling of our anxiety always shows us that things aren’t the same, especially when I do mess up in conversations and it confuses my brain because it didn’t expect that from me, because why would C-ta mess up like that, right?

15. What’s the biggest similarity between you and your canon self?

Our obsessive tendencies. In that world, I latched onto A-ya, and he became my reason for existence. I was always with him, and everything I did was rationalized as being for his sake. In this world, for as long as we can remember, we have struggled with growing unhealthily obsessed with those who are important to us. I have managed to suppress it by isolating myself from others, but you could argue that that’s hardly a healthy reaction... But at least it prevents me from suffering from obsession, so it does have its benefits.

16. Do you prefer when people are familiar or unfamiliar with your source when they meet you?

It depends on the context with which they’re meeting me, I suppose? I prefer that people know what they’re getting into, ‘kin-wise... But at the same time, Shuuen is hardly going to be relevant to the vast majority of people who speak to me. It’s fairly niche, with very few fans who have stuck with it into the current day. So... I suppose it doesn’t matter?

17. What’s your favorite thing about your source?

I think it is fascinating. Honestly, I would say that it can be simple, and the writing isn’t always amazing, but I think its mysteries are interesting, and how events are shown makes you want to analyze the text. There are a lot of things that don’t make sense, but that can be brought to some kind of conclusion if you dig up the evidence. If I could view it objectively, rather than taking it personally, that would be even better.

18. What’s your least favorite thing about your source?

Probably the fact that the person who was the author of the novels and lyricist of the associated songs ended up confessing that they plagiarized some song lyrics and then proceeded to vanish, vowing to never write under the same name again, leaving the story unfinished after having announced a novel that never came out, yet blatantly operating under another name as a singer.

...You could say I have some negative feelings regarding that, indeed.

19. Do you own any merch of your source?

I do. I attempt to archive and bring together some of the remaining merch that I can find on secondhand sites. No more Shuuen merch is created or sold, so everything that we find must be bought from others. I generally do not like buying things for myself, but this takes precedence in my mind, it seems...

20. Do you feel comfortable in your fiction-based identity?

Comfortable as in, confident in that I’m right about it? Largely, yes. This is a kintype that I feel very strongly. If it quiets down for some time, it will always come back at full strength when something triggers it. If I have momentary insecurity about it, it is usually tied to a negative mental state in general, rather than specifically insecurity about being C-ta.

21. Who are you open with about your fiction-based identity?

Largely ‘kin-specific spaces online only. The only non-’kin-specific space I have been open about this in is a server for Shuuen fans, and even then, I largely keep quiet about it until it becomes relevant. Because most of the “kin” there are KFF, blatantly self-admitted. However, I met the first other genuine C-ta I ever spoke to there, so it was not like I have only negative emotions for that space.